50 things I would NEVER own!

Music: Christmastime Is Here : Vince Guaraldi Trio

Thoughts: Landlords, bacon, holidays and sore ankles...

OK, here's a good way to learn a bit about me....now why would anyone want to do that? I can't answer that....but maybe you are in some serious need of therapy, medication, a good lay or maybe you are just out and out certifiable..who knows...but in this time of holiday cheer, instead of giving you an idea of what I want, here's my list of what NOT to get me...in no particular order...

1. A Cowboy Hat (Yup, that's raught!)

2. An Electric Shaver (Works like a disposable and more expensive to boot!)

3. Potted Meat Food Product (Yummy....animal parts conveniently packaged!)

4. any CD that is listed under the Hip-Hop or Rap category (why should MY hard earned money be used to post bail for these untalented losers?)

5. Any copy of US magazine (or People (although i have to admit that I have an old issue of People celebrating the 20th anniversary of The Summer Of Love)).

6. Macrame ('Nuff said)

7. Any book written by Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swaggert or Rush Limbaugh (These guys can write?)

8. A DVD copy of Will and Grace (people wonder why people hate homosexuals so much, but praise this crap as being "groundbreaking". I personally think this show is an INSULT to homosexuals everywhere...but that's just me....)

9. Any product that is edorsed by or is named after Jessica Simpson (I guess that could go for OJ simpson as well....but Natalie and the kids still like their fresh squeezed in the mornings...)

10. Holiday socks (??????)

11. Animated Holiday singing toys ( Although they are good for at least 3 viewings...but after that, what the hell are you REALLY going to do with them??)

12. Beef Tongue (Has anyone ever really eaten and enjoyed this delicacy?)

13. Diet Pepsi (Sacrifice taste in the name of being thin)

14. A subscription to Sports Illustrated (Well, if I WANTED the swimsuit issue, I'd just buy a copy...SHEESH!)

15. A meth pipe (The idiot's BEST FRIEND!)

16. A Egg Scrambler (Remember the FORK???...or more importantly...HOW TO USE IT???)

17. Mittens (ok...what's the point??? WEAR GLOVES!!!)

18. A Ferrett (ACK! WHO LET THAT FRIGGIN' WEASEL IN HERE???Or is it a rat??...or....just WHERE THE HELL DID THOSE THINGS COME FROM???)

19. A Madonna CD (Curse she who is responsible for the destruction of popular music)

20. Quick Gems by Conair (ok...now I firmly believe that this here is the absolute positively STUPIDEST product ever created....take a look at the link http://www.conairstyle.com/...who the hell wants to go around with rocks in their friggin' hair???? DUMB! DUMB! DUMB!,,,,,so expect it to sell lots!)

21. A confederate flag (YEEEEEE HAAWWWWW!)

22. Any movie starring Mariah Carey, Carmen Elektra or Eminen (ummm did they actually act??....can they??)

23. A stupid magnet telling people I support our troops (Look, I support the troops alright...granted, I don't support the military, the cowards who sent the troops there, the generals who sit back and send the troops out to die, the fat ignorant people who think we are doing the right thing while turning around and accusing everyone of Arab descent of being a terrorist, the corporations who are swooping in to act as "heroes" by providing basic neccesities to the people of Iraq after we took them all away from them, the congressmen who think people are just numbers and not flesh and blood.....but I support the troops....well, except those who think like any of the above....) I just don't need to advertise that I'm a political puppet who has to look patriotic just so I don't get accused of being Anti-American. (Now THAT one should generate some comments...eh?)

24. "GRILLZ" ( Ok, now how stupid is THIS??? I want them to rip out my teeth one by one so I can replace it with gold?? How about pewter...or resin....or even Floam??....like these guys weren't ugly enough!...oh, you mean it just fits OVER your teeth....now how stupid is THAT????!!!!))

25. Pet clothing (If animals were meant to wear clothes, they would have been born with good credit)

26. Nazi Propoganda (What has 200 legs and three teeth? A KKK rally!)

27. Anything having to do with Britney Spears (Yes, that includes K-Fed)

28. Pocket protectors (A good idea given a bad rap from nerds and geeks)

29. Guns (see number 21)

30. A stupid looking Honda clown car with 21 inch rims and really tacky vinyl graphics that THUMPS when you drive it. (Yo yo yo....I'm Friggin' deaf AND dumb!)

31. Anything argyle (Long story...stems from a bad experience with Argyle during my high school days)

32. A Turkey fryer (ok....are these REALLY neccessary??)

33. A crucifix (should I say it...dare i??...ok, one of the symbols of the downfall of the human race....OUCH!)

34. The head of a once live animal hanging on my wall (Ah, nothing says redneck better than showing off your conquest of an unarmed opponent)

35.THE FIST (If you don't know what it is, use your imagination...if you DO know what it is, then you are as perverted as me...congratulations!).

36. A Michael Jackson T-Shirt (Although ROCK WITH YOU was a damn cool song.....wasn't it?)

37. Anything having to do with Paris Hilton (please make her go away....p-please???)

38. Any clothing with the name Jesus on it (Again, there I go on an anti religious bit...You know, it's not that I'm picking on the religious right....I just don't agree with it....see title of this blog...)

39. Flowery Grandma furniture (Is there anyone who thinks this stuff looks stylish?)

40. A truck that requires an 8 foot ladder to get into (Always reminds me of the saying, the bigger the truck, the smaller the penis)

41. Butterfinger candy bars (why? I dunno.....but GAWD I can't stand 'em....UCK!)

42. Weapons of Mass Destruction ( I guess Saddam and I DO have something in common...)

43. A tattoo with anyone's name (Tattoo rule #1.....so who didn't follow this one?....Angelina?)

44. Nacho Cheese Doritos (Another thing I just can't stand....maybe too many bad flashbacks of latenite parties and nothing to eat....DOUBLE UCK!)

45. A six pack of beer (also includes a 40 ouncer or any other container of that nasty liquid)

46. Any kind of souvenir items from Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia or Texas (Don't have to worry about somehow obtaining one of these because I have no desire to visit ANY of these places in my lifetime)

47. Any TBN "Love Gift" (OK, OK, we get it....Floyd doesn't like religion! true, but what I like less is people using religion for personal gain!)

48. A shower cap ( Don't you take a shower to wash your hair???...That's how I thought it worked...)

49. Dead sea animals ( It's FUN to go to the beach and buy dead sea animals imported from the Phillipines...isn't it?)

50. And last but CERTAINLY not least, ANY Pro Rebulican propaganda include Bush bumper stickers, books, shirts and anything else that might suggest my acceptance of the farcical administration that brought down this country in the 6 short years of doing business.

So, there you have it...you may not agree with me, but that's fine, this is STILL the land of the free and although that freedom is getting less and less as the years go on, I'm still proud to exercise my right as an American (uh, oh....I'm getting patriotic...better stop before someone thinks I'm up to something!).

Next time....COOL STUFF FOR CHRISTMAS!

Keep Creatin'

F